December is a fickle bitch....

There are three men I have always credited (or blamed) for making me the man I am today. 

I always referred to them as BCD.

Charles N (B)arrack Sr - the head honcho. The creator of little ole Tic Tac! The older I get the more I see how wise he was. (Funny how that happens) He wasn’t the largest man in the room, but to me, he was bigger than anyone I ever met. Being that I got my emotional capability directly from him, I never told him how great I felt he really was. He wasn’t the best at relating emotions and right up til the end he always tried to take care of us. I tell myself he found peace the last few months as he was calmer (though still cranky), he had an "energy" about him each morning (though he still moved slow) and he had a twinkle in his eye I hadn’t seen in years. A twinkle that only came when my newborn son was in his lap. Which, quite honestly, was just about any waking hour he had the energy to do so.

It’s been 20 years since we’ve had a disagreement.

He passed away on the kitchen floor due to a heart attack on December 10, 1998, and I miss him and learn more from him every day.

Jerome D "Jerry" (C)umberland - Mr C! This man here..... if you knew him you know how, even if you just passed him in the hallway of high school, he somehow affected your life.

He was my band director. The one that inspired me towards a music education degree. Though life took me a different way, I feel as I’m a music education guy anyways. 

Mr. C was a large man with more passion for music, perfection and inclusion than I’ve ever seen... yes I put perfection and inclusion in the same sentence. He demanded and expected perfection when we played. He achieved it too. But, if you ever wanted to be in the band; even you sucked worse than the definition of the word suck, he included you and found a way. 

In the four years he taught me, he became a father figure for me and treated me as I were his son. If I fucked up, and I did so often, he would be the first in my ass and then I’d have to explain it to Dad later that night. He was there for breakups and heart break, drunken nights and hungover mornings. He pushed me to be a better man because he knew it was inside me somewhere. "Deeper than you are tall" apparently.... or so he told me. A great man who I cherish deeply and miss greatly. 

We lost Mr C on December 29, 2013. 

Ernest Eugene "Mr D" Dawkins

Mr. (D) was my Boy Scout master when I was a much younger idiot. He took me as soon as they threw me out of the cub scouts and pushed me all the way through my Eagle Scout. All the stumbles of life my dad had to endure, he too endured as our lives and my growing up deeply entertwined. Mr. D taught me the little things in life. How to tie a square knot, first aid and most importantly, you don’t always have to be a dick just because you’re good at it.

I guess some lessons just can’t be taught....

I’ve seen this man as angry as possible at me, and happy as possible at me. He was definitely a second father and he pushed me just as my own.

I bumped into Mr D awhile back. Though moving slower, a little hunched over and eyebrows needing a massive trimming, he glared at me over the rim of his glasses and have me a half smile and gentle nod as we parted ways. That little smile and half nod hit me like a brick as he said "We always knew you’d do fine".

We....

He never took credit for anything he taught me. But in our talked about mom and dad passing, and Mr C passing, that little thing of "we" hit me hard. Not really sure why. But it did.

Late last night while chatting with a friend from waaaayyyy back, Boy Scouts came up and it was said.... hitting me like another brick.

Ernest Eugene Dawkins passed away December 20, 2018...

I’ve lost all my Dads.....

December is a fickle pissy bitch. It has somehow managed to take all the formative men in my life.... I don’t get it. I don’t like it.

Unconditional Love

How many times have you heard people talk about loving unconditionally only to see the opposite. Divorce happens.... fights, arguments, finances all can cause pains in a relationship. 

I’ve always said that for someone to see what unconditional love looks and feels like, one needs to love a dog. Not just own it. Actually love it. When you do, you find a joy that nothing else can show, and heartbreak like you’ve never felt.

We picked up Sissy on a cool November morning. It was a Friday. I brought her back to the office after lunch and she slept right there until it was time for me to leave. I made the two and a half hour drive down to the house where my girlfriend (now wife) lived. This was our first “family piece”. The first togetherness if you will. She had a son and I a son and daughter. With no plans to have a kid together, Sissy was ours. Being a Neopolitan Mastiff, she fit us! Not highly energetic, perfect for a family unit and naturally protective. She was perfect.

 She IS perfect.. It didn’t take long for Sarah to love her with everything she had, and Sissy to do the same.

As she grew, the expressions and Love compounded exponentially. At the time I worked all week out of town and was only here on the weekends. Yet, every friday evening when I arrived, Sissy didn’t miss a beat letting me know how proud and happy she was that I was home. She loved unconditionally.

Sissy became part of the family immediately!! Taking the kids to school, she followed Sarah wherever she allowed. Watched intently at anyone coming close to the kids or Sarah. A few times when she felt uneasy, she would get in the middle of Sarah and a stranger and push Sarah backwards toward the door. I loved this about her! Her natural instinct to know the shady people and get Sarah to a safe place, she is perfect in every way.

Now my heart breaks. I had to tell Sarah that Sissy has cancer. The best prognosis is 6 months and we make her comfortable with pain meds as best as we can. 

I feel, at times, that I have not only brought unconditional love to the house, but have now caused eternal heartbreak. Everyone is devastated. We have cried until we think we cannot cry anymore and then we cry some more. 

I have had many dogs in my life. None have affected me as Sissy has. We have decided that amputation and chemo would not be best for Sissy. It would prolong an agony she has already endured too long. 

As we put Sissy to rest tomorrow, I will be losing a piece of our family. The first real piece of the family. With that, everyone will have heartache like they have never felt. I, myself, am utterly devastated. I expected bone and hip issues with a large dog, but I did not expect cancer. I am so sorry for the pain and heartache the kids and Sarah are enduring with all of this.

However, I also have never felt the unconditional love like this dog has shown. With terrible pain, she limps to be by us, if only to nudge with her nose and go lie down. The pounding of her tail when I enter the hallway after a late night sounds like a drum corps cadence pounding the pillow long before I ever make it to the room. She always gets up to greet me when I’m actually home on time, even if she just wants to sleep. 

I don’t even know how I’m going to walk into the house anymore and not see or hear these things. Seven years was not enough...

I’m losing a piece of my heart tomorrow.... 

She’s not just a dog to us. I never spent a day thinking she would not be here.... 

Lady MaryEllen “Sissy” Sistrunk.... I can’t even.